Friday, October 8, 2010

Jesus Wept

See? This is what enrages me about Britney Spears. This tramp has the audacity to walk outside with a scalp resembling wormy dog meat? She's not even trying to cover it up, and you know she feels the breeze hitting them tired as fuck damaged follicles. How is she not legitimately bald yet?

See? White women can abuse their hair like this and still have hair to speak of, but when black women get carried off into the wonderful world of weave, we have to deal with tragedies like this:

No amount of yaki #1b is gonna make your hairline come back for an encore. You might as well invest in a good lacefront and call it a Sunday morning.

And there is one huge similarity between these two celebrities: These hoes are stressed. out. They need to talk to a good hairstylist, lay down a recovery plan. Get these bitches in to hair rehab, ASAP. Britney has kids, I know, but as far as I can tell she isn't exactly Michelle Duggar or Kate Gosslin, so what's the problem? What is this woman stressing about now that K Fed is fat as fuck and out of her life? Her hair should be celebrating! It should be flourishing with this lack of responsibility and freedom that she hasn't had in some time.

Naomi, on the other hand, is suffering from a common condition amongst spoiled rich women: meanass-bitchosis, with a persistent strain of entitlement. The only cure for that is a good ass whooping and hardship, and by the looks of her scalp she is truly suffering. Let us not forget to pray for her scalp during our morning meditations.

I will make one more observation, and leave the ladies alone: Justin Timberlake is good for a bitch's hair. All the ladies he tapped? Experienced periods of unprecedented good hair days. I mean, shiny, healthy, voluminous tresses with enough charisma to have their own VH1 show. The kinda of hair that has you swearing to God you heard it breathe when you passed her on the street, and you have pause to ask your homegirl "Did this bitch's hair just sigh at me?" I mean, even cocker spaniels gave them the side eye for flouncing that luxurious shit around town. Somewhere in the distance, unicorns were getting jelly and throwing the stank face that these hoes were stealing their shine.

Yes, that good. Not even exaggerating.

I don't know what he eats, likely a protein rich diet, but I wish he'd fucking bottle it and slap it on a shelf at Walmart. I could really use a good protein treatment.

if i were rich!!!

#346 I would have all my utensils made out of ground cinnamon. Yum.

#347 I would have all my meals served on sleeping babies. Some might say it's a little opulent, but I find that food holds it's temperature better if served on the warm belly of a child.*

#348 I would invent a Fart Transmutenator™ to make my poots smell awesome. I would also require everyone entering my home to be fitted with one too, so that their poots did not offend me or the sleeping baby plates. See the informational graphic below.

#379 I would eat one teaspoon of glitter and one teaspoon of St. Ives Apricot Scrub® per day, to exfoliate my colon and coat my stomach like a disco ball. This would not cause me medical issues because I will also eat tiny robots with brooms and Mr. Clean® Magic Erasers® to remove them each night.

*Disclaimer: OBVIOUSLY I am joking and do not in any way, shape, or form condone or practice child abuse. Please do not take anything I say seriously, it's all for entertainment purposes!